Become The Man You Buried
by holdonbaby93
Summary: After the 57th expedition outside the walls Levi questions whether he is able to bear the weight of war, Petra's death, and his own life choices. After a failed suicide attempt he runs to Erwin out of desperation and the commander shares a story with him that might just save his life. [Cover image is not mine: all credit goes to the original artist]
1. Return

**A/N: I do not own any of the characters in Shingeki no Kyojin (as much as I would like to) and all characters are property of Hajime Isayama. Secondly, this story is up to date with the anime but not the manga. If you're not up to date on the anime then I suggest that you not read this, just in case. Otherwise, enjoy!**

* * *

"Do you have any human emotions at all?" Ian's scream echoed in Levi's ears far longer than it should have. He and the commander walked side by side, capes swishing and not saying a word. The day was too beautiful for the horrible things that happened during it. They had failed.

The carts creaked as the other soldiers threw bodies in them, wrapped in canvas and stained in blood. Petra was in that pile, Levi knew. She was there with her hair still radiant and her eyes still open. He had seen her face; dead, thrown against a tree, her back broken and body contorted. He waited for her to move. He wanted to see her blink and stand up, launch her maneuver gear and greet him like she always did. "Heicho" she would say, bowing. But she didn't move, and she didn't blink. His eyes glazed over almost as much as hers as he stood, waiting for nothing. Finally, he blinked. He was still alive. She wasn't.

He shoved his feelings down, his footsteps becoming more determined. He would not let anything hurt him. He had control; he always had.

* * *

They were back on their horses going at a full canter. Levi could see the wall and almost make out the tiny gate inside of it. They would be home soon.

"Commander Erwin!"

"It's the titans!"

"There's two of them approaching!"

The soldiers began to panic, intensified by the close proximity of the gate and their fears of dying right outside of it. Levi and Erwin continued riding side by side, Erwin's jaw set square and Levi's eyes narrowed.

"Lose the bodies."

The soldiers gawked at Levi's command, their expressions so strong that he could see them clearly even through the uneven canter. Men never wanted to lose other men, dead or alive. A body, even if it wasn't breathing, was comfort.

After a few seconds, the men in the wagon nodded to each other. They opened the back of their wagon and tossed the first body. It was painful, the way the soldier's hands involuntarily held onto the canvas. He didn't want to let it go.

"Hurry!" one of them was yelling, already dragging another one to the edge.

With a shout somewhere between a curse and a scream he let go of the body. Then another, and another. Levi was riding right beside them and glanced at the men as they fought against their instincts. The number of bodies on the ground began to outnumber those in the wagon. Only a few were left. As the men continued to haul them over and roll them off the cart, Levi wondered if they had thrown out Petra yet. Then he saw her. She flew from the back, kicked off, unceremoniously thudding to the ground and rolling a few feet, her golden hair whipping outside of the cloth. The grass was dead and the canvas and it became monochromatic as the soldiers galloped on. He looked back one last time, the blood stains looking like roses scattered on snow. She was gone.

* * *

"Weren't there a lot more this morning?"

"Way more."

"Why are they back so soon?"

The citizens murmured to each other as the Survey corps rode through the gates. Some of them dared to yell insults, others screamed as they failed to see their loved ones in the crowd. But most of them were quiet, shocked into silence by everything the commander leading them in didn't say.

Erwin didn't explain anything, he didn't offer an excuse. He rode, eyes set dead ahead towards the barracks, Levi's set dead ahead towards nothing. Both of them had dismounted once they were inside the wall, leading the squads on foot.

Levi heard footsteps behind him and an excited voice cried his name.

"I need to talk to you before Petra gets here." It was her father. His face was so happy, it made him sick to his stomach.

"She sent me a letter saying that she loves working under you and respects you so much."

The blood began to rush to his head as his body tried to block out the words. He retreated farther into himself, his eyes glazing over, his pace not slowing.

"…personally I think she's a little too young for marriage."

The sound was deafening now, louder than a cannon. He couldn't hear anything and he didn't want to. He wanted to stop walking.

"Levi." Erwin said, looking over to him. He looked like he was about to faint. "Hold it together."

Levi nodded sharply and continued walking.

The soldiers cut through the crowd, the citizens wails growing louder as they realized how few had returned alive and how even fewer had returned intact. Their cries vibrated through the clear air, the sun shining in a mercilessly serene way. It was too beautiful a day for this to be real. It couldn't be real.

* * *

Metal latches clicked closed and horses snuffled as the soldiers returned them safely to their stalls. The smell of hay and grass permeated the air. Sasha walked around with her horse, unable to decide whether she should lock him up or bury her face in his mane. Jean stood outside the stables, his arms hanging limply at his sides, talking to Armin who was doing the same next to him. They were all bewildered.

The rest of the day the troops occupied themselves with various things, mainly drinking beer. Most of them had gathered in the mess hall and Levi could hear their voices as he walked around the yard aimlessly, numb, forgetting to breath. He wanted every bit of air in his lungs to be in Petra's instead.

He knew it wasn't his fault that she was dead; that made it even worse. If he were responsible then he could at least blame himself, but he wasn't. Fate was. The titans were, and he couldn't hate them any more than he already did. He was helpless.

Men are lost all the time in battle, he thought. She was just a casualty. That's all she was.

* * *

The following days passed at a laboured rate, expanding and contracting making hours feel like seconds and minutes feel like days. Eren was in holding in the cellar and there wasn't much for the soldiers to do until the court meeting. Levi had gone to see him once, saying a few neutral words that didn't really mean anything, and Eren had sat, staring at the wall, saying nothing. No one knew what to say.

Mikasa and Armin stuck together, taking what little comfort they could in each other. Mikasa halfheartedly practiced maneuvering on her 3-D gear while Armin read books on military strategies, but they both knew that these activities simply served as a distraction against their pain. What had in the past been methods of survival were now trivial pastimes in the face of death. It didn't matter how fast you were, smart, strong, devout you were…none of that mattered when death came. Death itself was a titan, stupid and unrelenting, devouring what it could and never growing full, an insatiable pit of mindless gluttony.

* * *

**A/N: And that's the end of the first chapter. Just a heads up, this story is probably going to be very sad but it will also have some highly redemptive parts. I mean, the show is tragic anyway so it wouldn't be keeping it authentic if I made it all happy, would I?**

**Also, there is going to be a strong focus on theistic/christian faith in this, so if you're opposed to that sort of thing then this might not be for you. However, I think it's going to be awesome and fit just wonderfully with the original story. :)**

**It would be awesome if you all could leave reviews, I love getting them and it encourages me to write more when I know people are reading (and hopefully enjoying) my work.**

**Stay tuned!**


	2. Already Dead

It had been four days since the troops had returned. Tomorrow was Eren's court hearing where it would be decided what action should be taken. After the first two days of being back had passed most of the soldiers had returned to their normal duties. A few remained grieving for the lost squad members or their own injuries but for the most part everyone was feeling more like themselves.

Levi had arrived in the mess hall later than usual. He had been sleeping a good twenty minutes later than he usually did. Waking up was just so difficult, the first few minutes he would lay helpless in his white sheets, paralyzed by the unrelenting presence of death, wishing it away and squeezing his eyes shut again and again in hopes of erasing it. Hopelessness and depression were always the worst in the morning; both of them were equally lazy and loved to pounce when he hadn't had time to equip himself properly.

As he walked from his room to the mess hall, he could hear the other soldiers greeting each other for the day.

"You're looking rough this morning."

"Armin, sit over here!"

"I always sit over there! I want to be by the window."

"Finally we have coffee again."

"Where are the potatoes?"

Trivial questions, shallow words, he thought to himself as he listened to the squads chatter. People who talked like this weren't worth risking your life for; then again, these same people risked their own lives for each other every time they went out on the field. How could such fools be so valiant? And how could acts of courage be committed by these crazy kids? What made him so different from the rest? Experience, yes. Agility, yes. Wisdom, thought, strength, yes….yet they were able to put their lives on the line just as easily as he did for them, if not more so.

The bench creaked as Erwin sat down next to him with a bowl of steaming oatmeal.

"Morning Levi."

Levi nodded back. He took a bite of his bread and chewed it, the pace matching the thoughts in his head. Muddled. He began to drift off into the void of nothingness he so often revisited, the blackness encasing him almost fully before Erwin leaned in close to him.

"Are you getting along alright?" He asked in a hushed tone, turning his face away from the others and waiting for Levi's response.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Levi said as he continued staring straight ahead.

It was obvious to Erwin that Levi had been depressed for months but the past couple of days had brought him particularly low. "Come by my office if you feel like you need someone to talk to." Erwin said as he stood up from the table, swinging one leg over the bench. He had known him for far too long to be fooled by Levi's evasive responses.

"I'll see you at lunch."

"I probably won't be eating."

"I hope you will, you can't afford to get any shorter."

"Dumbass, you can't get shorter from not eating."

Erwin smiled and patted Levi on the shoulder. "I'll see you at lunch," he said again, this time in a teasing tone. "Have a good rest of your breakfast."

* * *

What he mostly didn't understand about the young soldiers was how they were friends. They knew that they could lose each other at any second. Their lives were casualties, just like Petra's. It didn't matter who you loved or who you were friends with, once you're dead there are no second chances. Why did they waste time becoming buddies? Comrades yes, but they're sharing jokes! All he could see when he looked at them was their bodies wrapped in canvas. Sasha's smile still glued on her dead face, Armin's eyes still intent on solving something that he would never solve, Mikasa's swords drawn, one in each hand and ready to strike. But she would never strike, he thought. They were here now and that was it. Soon their names would appear on another list, except this time it wouldn't be active soldiers, it would be deceased, or worse, MIA.

It helped him to think of them as already dead.

"Levi Heicho, can I take your bowl?" Armin was suddenly at the edge of the table, his hand outstretched and ready to serve as always.

"Yes." Levi nodded, handing him the half eaten oatmeal. He wasn't very hungry.

Armin scurried away as the rest of the troops cleared their own places and brought the dishes over to the kitchen.

"Armin." Levi said, not raising his voice. He had more than enough authority to never implement yelling.

Armin turned on the ball of his foot, nearly dropping the dishes he had in his arms as he did. "Yes, sir!" he said in both a statement and a question.

Levi looked at him for a few seconds before speaking. "Make sure that nothing falls on the floor. I don't want to have to call Eren up here to clean it up."

Looking a bit confused Armin nodded fervently then said "I thought that Eren was in holding, sir." He was so timid.

"He is. Which is why I don't want to have to ask him to come up here to clean up your mess. Get moving." He said, setting his tin coffee mug down on the table with a thunk.

"Yes sir!" Armin said again, just as earnestly as the last time.

Levi knew that he didn't really want to talk about spills on the floor with Armin. He didn't know what he _did _want to discuss either; he hardly ever did know, really.

He had never been good with emotions either. They made things messy and as soon as he joined the Recon Corps he tucked them away for a still undetermined amount of time. He knew that he couldn't have both, a conscience and justice, so he picked the latter. He told himself that when it was all over he would get his them back, open his heart again like it was freeze dried and suspended in time. He had held onto this hope for so long that it had become indistinguishable from his hand. They would be there, he would tell himself right before sleep spun him into oblivion, they would be there no matter how long it took to return to him. He could have a heart again, he could be human again.

Petra had been his main hope for redemption from his iciness. She could have saved him, but he didn't know it until she was gone. He didn't realize how important and beautiful she was until her body rolled from the back of the wagon. Her broken back, her open eyes, and she was still more beautiful than he'd ever recognized her to be. He felt sick at this. He was a sadist, someone who is obsessed with death, only seeing beauty in what no longer breathed.

* * *

"_Do you ever pull the thing you hate closer to you so that it can't hurt you?" _Her words rung in his ears like church bells as he remembered the question she had asked him just a few days before the expedition.

"_No." _he had said, thoughts not focused on her or her words, eyes looking at nothing like they always did.

She had been quiet for a few seconds, playing with the lines in the wood slats of the table. It was worn, softened around the edges from hands that had been buried long ago. She found a knot in the wood and scraped at it like she thought there was something to uncover.

"_Heicho, I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm not sure how you can answer no to a question like that." _She looked so innocent when she said it, her eyes wide.

He hadn't taken this well and had snapped at her, "_Because the only logical answer to a stupid question like that is no." _He wasn't even angry; _he wouldn't waste a feeling like that on a stupid girl _he had thought at the time. She lowered her head more, nodding, still tracing the lines on the table.

* * *

"Heicho?" Armin inquired, his eyes conveying a unspoken worry.

Levi huffed, annoyed to have been drug into such an unpleasant memory. Straightening his already unwrinkled uniform he walked a few determined steps towards the door but before he walked out he said "Everybody leaves." And with that he took one more step out the door and disappeared around the corner, his boots echoing muffled footsteps down the hall.

* * *

**A/N: I know its a short transition chapter but it needs to be in here. I'm enjoying writing this story and I hope you all are liking reading it :) Reviews are always encouraged!**


	3. His Hand Shook

Armin ran into Krysta on his way to the kitchen with the bowls.

"Oh, sorry," he said quickly, his reflexes just quick enough to catch the falling dishware.

Krysta waved a hand of approval. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," he replied while wiping the stray bits of oatmeal that had gotten stuck to his hands on the edge of the bowl, "I'm just a little flustered, I guess."

She placed a hand on his shoulder as she took the bowls from him to set them in the dish cart. "You're trembling." She said, holding his hands.

He didn't want anyone to know how shaken up he had been from the expedition a few days ago, but it was too late now. Krysta was on the verge of finding out how weak he actually was.

"I…" he paused for a second, holding back tears, "haven't been feeling myself since we went out." He wanted to continue but words failed him.

"None of us have, Armin." She said, her tone gentle and reassuring. "What happened out on the field…" she paused to look away from him, her voice trembling. "We all wish that we could unsee it. There isn't a night that's gone by since I joined the Survey Corps that I haven't seen my friends who have passed on….their faces….before me." She stopped.

Her words hung in the air, unfinished and incomplete forcing both of them into silence. What was he thinking? She couldn't give him an inspirational speech; there was little to survive for much less than aspire to. He needed to learn to let things sit in imperfection.

"Yeah." He said, his voice finally breaking through the muffled sounds of the outdoors leaking through the window. Krysta smiled, a sad empathy emitting from her slightly upturned lips. He knew she wanted to say more, to give a happy ending; but there wasn't any; not yet at least.

* * *

Levi treaded down the hall, his footsteps uneven on the wooden flood. He couldn't believe he'd left the mess hall with such a dramatic exit. _"Everybody leaves." _What a joke. Of course everyone leaves, that's what people are supposed to do. He hated when he felt sorry for himself like this but somehow he just couldn't shake it.

"Levi heicho!" A high-pitched voice squealed, the volume increasing as the person neared.

"Hello Hanji." Levi replied, disinterested.

The scientist jumped up and down and proceeded to spill her news about the titans on him. "Remember when we caught the abnormal?" she said, her tone racing like she didn't expect him to answer.

"Yes."

"W…well, we were able to retrieve some flesh from it on the grappling hooks" she beamed, "so I might be able to find out some really important information!" she babbled as her eyes glowed with excitement.

"That's wonderful." He replied, his disinterested face exposing his obvious lie. Not easily shut down, Hanji pretended not to notice and continued pouring over her discovery but she finally lost interest due to Levi's unresponsiveness and went skipping down the hall, still talking about how much progress they could make.

* * *

The day passed dreadfully. Every time he got a moment to think someone would run in to him and ask him some mildly important question that he couldn't afford to brush off; then again, he was almost thankful for these interruptions because his thoughts had become so unpleasant that he was having trouble with focusing on the work he needed to do.

He was plagued by Petra's face. As much as he tried to shut his mind off and deaden his feelings, they bubbled up around him like a festering wound. He could only remember one other time when he had felt like this and it was after the first man he had ever killed. But even that paled in comparison to the darkness that was chasing him now. It was so intense that his footsteps unconsciously quickened as he wandered the halls, as if his physical body could somehow outrun the blackness that threatened to swallow him.

Each knock at his office door was like a gunshot, loud and crackling through the air, the bullet of another voice banging against his head and then dissipating into the fog that had grown around him. Their words were muffled once they reached his ears; like they'd been spoken a thousand years ago.

He drifted on the pendulum of despair, swinging methodically from hopelessness to numbness, back and forth at a maddeningly steady rate.

It was his fault. He was to blame for the dead because his lack of interest in making a decision had cost them all their lives. He hadn't cared, or maybe he had, but he was so encased in his own selfish desire to protect his soul that he hadn't dared to let himself think about anything except what was straight ahead of him.

And that very attribute, refusing to see anything but what was ahead of him, had cost them their lives.

* * *

"Levi heicho? Are you ok?" Eren's voice echoed against the stone walls of the cellar. Somehow Levi's directionless pacing had led him to Eren's holding cell. "You don't look so good…" Eren ventured after Levi hadn't responded for a few seconds.

"I don't like my outward appearance to differ from my inner," he answered. At least this response wasn't so dramatic as the last. '_Everybody leaves.' _He mentally tsked himself again over the stupidity of that melodramatic comment.

"I didn't realize that you…"

"Had feelings? There's a lot you don't realize, Eren. You're still a dumb brat who can barely keep up with menial tasks because of your own hardheadedness." He sounded like his normal self when he spoke but his words carried an undertone of sadness that Eren wasn't used to.

Eren looked at the floor, the candle lit sconces emitting pale fingers of gold across his hunched body. "You're right." He said. Levi could almost hear the young boy's mind whirring as he continued staring at the floor. "I'll do better next time. I won't let my passion and fear get in the way of victory." He paused as if he were surprised by the inspirational words he was saying without meaning to. "Sometimes…." He trailed off.

Thinking that Eren had come to a silent conclusion, Levi began to walk away.

"Heicho." Eren's words caught him off gaurd. After a second of considering ignoring him, Levi turned around.

"What."

Eren looked up from his hunched position, surprised to see that Levi had actually stayed.

"What!", he spat. He didn't have time to waste on brats.

"I—I—" Eren stuttered, "think that I push what I want away from me and hold on to what I hate…." he paused for a second, staring intently at his left hand, "so that I can do what I need to do. Fight. Win." He stopped. Levi was gone.

* * *

Horses hooves plodded softly against tufts of hay while crickets chirped slowly, their songs a little softer in the cool October air. The grass was already dewy and the moonlight reflected off of it in tiny oval diamonds that shook in the autumn breeze. Levi's stooped form blended in with the silhouetted landscape, his leather boots parallel with the ground, his hands grasping the earth.

Eren's words had torn at the wound of thoughts he hadn't spoken. So he had left without an exit, silently slipping into the darkness that crept from the shadows of the cellar to the blackness of the night. He looked up but he saw no moon, down but he saw no dewy stars. All he saw was dark. All he saw was nothing.

His thoughts wandered to Erwin. How was he able to keep himself so strong? How could he be clear headed and decisive yet so invested in his men? Levi had always thought that he and Erwin were the same; cold, calculating, ruthless…but he was wrong. As the minutes passed it became increasingly clear to him that he wasn't and never had been like Erwin. Erwin thought, Levi did. Erwin sacrificed, Levi murdered. Erwin cared. Levi didn't. And that is what made them different; more than anything else, the commander was a human and the corporal was a monster.

He couldn't go on. How had he fooled himself this long? Ruthless and strong? What a joke. He couldn't even bring himself to remember Petra's last words to him.

"_I'll be out in the stables. Heicho, if you need me just give a ring on the bell and I'll be ready and waiting." _Her words flashed before him like knives. He remembered them. _"I'll be ready and waiting." _He clutched his stomach as a sharp pain cut through his abdomen.

That was the last thing she had said to him. He couldn't remember his reaction to it, probably something cold and disinterested.

He pulled one of his swords out of the sheath. The metal grated against it the same way it had the hundreds of times before when he had slain titans, except that this time, this time he was not slaying titans.

* * *

The metal glinted against the moonlight and shined brighter than the dew. It was cruel, he thought, how beautiful death could be. So beautiful, in fact, that it almost made you want to live a little longer.

* * *

It touched his skin with icy fingers. He almost liked how it felt; somehow it felt _right. _Even though he knew that he didn't deserve this. Death was a luxury, an indulgence for those who could afford it, and he couldn't afford it, but like everything else in his past, he would take it, deserving or not.

He held the sword at an angle towards his heart. He looked up at the stars, suddenly making themselves visible. The sky was bidding him farewell. He didn't deserve it, he thought again to himself. For the first time ever, his hands shook on the hilt of the sword. It would be over. It would finally be over.

As blood curled its way down his abdomen, something with much more volume drenched his legs. He turned around sharply to see what it was while still holding the sword to his stomach only to be licked in the face. A horse. Sasha's horse, to be more precise. She lazily licked him on the face, trying to lick up any crumbs he still may have had on him. Her saliva was thick but it smelled sweet.

No sooner had his blood stained a large portion of his shirt than had it stopped flowing. He hadn't pierced any deeper than skin level before the clumsy horse had distracted him.

The bucket she had kicked over clamored on the ground dripping tiny droplets of water while his blood continued to dry.

"Sunflower get off me you stupid mare." He hissed, kicking a wet boot towards her. His legs were drenched. The horse whinnied loudly and continued to lick his face. It was unpleasant and humiliating but somehow he felt that it was fitting.

The stars were laughing at him.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating, I've been anal about making sure that this story is the way I want it to be before I upload it *blushes*. Yes, this chapter is a sort of cliff-hanger but if you're getting too depressed, don't stop reading because things will start looking up soon. Levi is a complex character and writing him has been a painfully great experience. Stay tuned for more. **

**P.S. I don't expect this story to go past ten thousand words so if you're worried about it dragging on, that probably won't happen. *winks***


	4. Reverie and Madness, Pt I

**A/N: Warning: This is a very short chapter because it is entirely narrative concerning Levi's thought process and reflection on his earlier actions. I'm hoping all this introspection won't bog you down and I tried to keep it concise for that very reason. Here goes nothing...**

* * *

Levi floated through the field like a piece of seaweed in a stormy ocean letting the drift of the water take him. He was making his way back to his room, he was pretty sure, but he couldn't really think straight and the crickets were suddenly so loud. The stars were bright, too bright, and he shied away when his eyes wandered to the sky. His shirt was sticking to his stomach, the dried blood gluing it to him in a web of haphazard red fingers. The temperature had dropped, he thought to himself, but maybe that was in his head; maybe it was all in his head.

This thought sent him in spirals, his footsteps flattening the dew covered grass. He felt cold. Or maybe he didn't. He didn't know. Thoughts started and then stuck midway in a maddening limbo between emotions and actions.

He needed to snap out of. He slapped himself over and over, both mentally and physically for being so stupid. _Where did my boldness go, my courage? _But his thoughts were interrupted when a sharp pain stemmed from his stomach and up to his chest; he had walked into a tree branch. The cut he had made earlier was irritated and reminded him of just how pathetic he was.

_This is not who I am. _This is not the boy that was born and outranked multiple cadets, and before that multiple gang members. This was not the man that killed because he wanted to, not because he could. Where had that man gone?

_Maybe he had never been him at all; maybe it had just been a façade._

Petra's face flashed before him and his mind kept it on pause, forcing him to look at her over and over again. He couldn't bear it. His ears roared. His stomach fell and kept on falling even when it felt like it should have reached the bottom a long time ago. His eyes were the only thing that led him to the door of HQ and his basic will to live was the only thing that caused him to open it. The wood was rough. He was losing it. His shirt was crusty. His fingers were soft, too soft. It was all too soft. He was going numb.

He walked down the hall towards his room while trying to shut those intrusive thoughts out of his mind. He couldn't take this much longer. Maybe he'd have to try again…maybe this time with some morphine, or a gun. Whichever got it over faster and didn't involve more humiliation.

Then, out of nowhere, he was bathed in a different feeling. Relief. The thoughts that had been bombarding his tired mind vanished and the feelings evaporated as if he'd taken a second look at a ghost only to see it was never there in the first place.

Suddenly his situation didn't seem so bad; he felt ok, almost happy. It wasn't so bad that Petra was gone; she had lived a good life and had died fighting. Sure, he had lost most of his squad but it was bound to happen at some point, and they had died fighting too. And did he deserve to be captain? Of course he did, he'd far exceeded earning the title.

The sudden shift in his mood was unusual but it didn't feel forced. Levi felt as if the wool had been pulled from his eyes and he could finally think rationally again. He hated being unstable; it made him unreliable. When his feelings clouded him he usually was able to push them down or release them through combat. Obviously, tonight had been an exception but now that he was able to see the rational side of things again he felt that he would be able to regain control of himself.

While he'd be having this revelation he had unconsciously gotten back to his room and opened the window, allowing the breeze to peck at his skin. The air was so refreshing that he leaned out of the window to breathe it in but before he could catch the scent of the night, a dull pain beckoned for his attention.

_That's right, I did that stupid thing. _He wished that he had actually forgotten his failed attempt…at…whatever he was trying to do, so he downplayed it. _Just some blood. _He held a piece of the shirt in his hands and creased it where the blood was thickest. It had almost finished drying and was beginning to change from bright red to deep rust. _Disgusting. I need a shower. _

As he threw off his shirt and the rest of his clothes his thoughts were surprisingly quiet. For three days he'd be at the mercy of his fucked up brain and finally he was able to have some peace. _Finally._

* * *

That shower was one of the most refreshing bathing experiences of his entire life. The water rushed over him, soothing his tired head and sore stomach. It was hot and made the bathroom steamy, something that he normally hated but this time he found it kind of comforting. It felt like he was getting an endless hug from someone who really cared about him. The light from the lantern he'd brought in created a halo around the quivering flame inside of it, the steam amplifying the effect, and Levi wondered how he'd gone from seeing the world as irredeemably horrible to downright breathtaking in the space of an hour.

Deciding against dwelling on it lest it disturb the peace he'd somehow reached, he shoved the thoughts to the corner of his mind and descended into a numbing bliss as he threw on his night clothes and plopped down on his bed, face up and eyes resting on the ceiling planks. The stables seemed like a dream. He could barely remember walking out there and couldn't retrieve much of anything about the walk back to HQ. What had he been thinking? _Would I really have been content doing that? I've never seen death as the way out of anything. When I go, I'll go out fighting. Why, then, would I have chosen such a cowardly way to die? _It didn't make sense to him and he was glad it didn't. If he were able to rationalize those crazy thoughts then maybe it would mean that there would have been validity to those actions and he'd rather accept the fact that he had been temporarily insane than allow himself to find a justification for his stupid ideas. But he didn't want to lie there beating himself up for past actions. _What's done is done. _And with that, he crawled under his crisp sheets, the crinkles making tiny bluish mountain ranges as he draped them over his body and fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

**A/N: I split this chapter into two parts because part I is entirely narrative (like I said above) whereas part two is more dialogue and action oriented. I suggest reading both sections together because it's all interconnected; it was just easier to split them up for plot's sake. Keep reading!**


	5. Reverie and Madness, Pt II

**A/N: As promised, here is part two. Enjoy!**

* * *

"I think if we cut the titan's foot off then we can kill it." Eren was behind Levi and the young boy's words carried a confidence that Levi saw no warrant for.

"What the hell are you talking about, Eren? You know that you can only kill titans by cutting into their necks." Levi didn't have time for brats.

"You're wrong! I'm doing it anyway." Eren yelled as he ran toward the titan, his left arm outstretched and holding his sword as he prepared to cut through the flesh.

_He'll never cut through that thing. Does he not know that the titans have bones? Godammit Eren. _Levi shot two grappling hooks into the nearby walls and lunged towards the erratic brown haired boy who was just about to place his blade against the five meter class's ankle. Levi reached to grab Eren by his cape right at the nape of his neck and caught him, successful as always, then landed a good twenty yards away.

"What the hell, Eren. You can't do that again, it's important that you stay alive. We need you." He spun Eren around to look him in the face and make sure that he knew the seriousness of his stupid actions.

"I could've killed that titan if you had let me," a deep voice answered. It was Auroro. _How did I mistake Auroro for Eren? That's weird. I'll have to be more careful next time. _

_But still, he's wrong._

"No, you couldn't have. You can't cut through bone with those swords and even if you could, cutting off limbs doesn't kill titans. You know that, don't be a dunce."

"Sure you can!" someone shrieked. Levi turned around to see Hanji zooming down from one of the rooftops with a huge smile. "I just killed three by cutting off their fingers. C'mon Levi, we found that crap out months ago."

Levi shook his head. "What are you talking about?" he asked, exasperated and not waiting for an answer, "we've only ever killed titans by slicing their necks. Any other way is stupid and suicidal. Seriously Hanji, you know this shit, you're the one who does experiments on them!" he paused, not receiving a response from either then decided to continue until he did. "Plus, why are we even here? I don't remember receiving orders from anyone telling us to go into Trost."

"Beats me." Auroro said glibly and Hanji nodded, adding "Here comes some titans now, lemme show you how it's done." She winked and took off towards a seven meter, shooting a grappling hook into its chest and swinging up to take off a finger.

"See?" she yelled to Levi gleefully as the titan collapsed on the cobblestone and began to evaporate.

Levi was dumbfounded. They could kill titans this easily all along? How hadn't he known?

Suddenly there was a horrible sound roaring in his ears. "What is that!" he yelled, burying his head in his arms and peaking out through the cracks.

"What?" Hanji answered.

"What is what?" Eren replied.

Wait, where did Eren come from? Hadn't he come to the conclusion that he had mistaken Auroro for Eren? Had his first observation been correct?

_What was that sound?_

The air was heating up, rapidly. He felt his shirt dampen and begin to stick to his back and his cloak became like a furnace. "Get back to HQ!" he stammered out, his voice barely breaking through the deafening ringing.

"Levi!" Hanji said, the trademark smile of a trickster still playing on her lips, "are you ok?"

"No I'm not ok! This whole place is burning up, can't you see it? And that awful sound…" he trailed off, his voice weakening from the strain of trying to scream above the noise.

The smile began to disappear from Hanji's lips. "You don't look so good. We should get you back," she said firmly, taking the captain by his sleeve.

"We should all get back! It's hot as fuck in here!" Levi shouted.

No one seemed to hear him. He jerked Hanji's arm, trying to point to Mikasa and Armin who were still running on the streets waiting for titans to appear. "Hanji! Hanji! Eren! Hanji!" he screamed as loud as he could but his words could no longer break through the roaring sound. _They're all gonna die, and it's all because I can't yell loud enough._

* * *

Levi woke tangled in blankets and covered in sweat, half of his sheets untucked from the bottom of the bed and thrown on the floor and the other half snaked around his legs in an impossible labyrinth. As soon as he opened his eyes he knew that he had been dreaming. _Of course you can't kill titans by cutting off their limbs. _

But as the adrenaline fueled shock of jolting awake began to wear off, he noticed that he wasn't feeling as blissful as he was a couple of hours ago. The moonlight was still coming through his window but the angle was different and the amount was smaller which told him it had been at least a few hours since he had fallen asleep. At first he thought it was nothing: simply fatigue and agitation from being awoken so suddenly by his dream. Gazing out of the window, he straightened his sheets and puffed up his pillows. _Nightmares are a real pain. _But as he lay down to reenter sleep, his mind began to spin.

The thoughts were returning. He felt the blackness enveloping him. But this time it wasn't about Petra, and it wasn't about his dead squad. This time it was about him.

He thought about how he looked, lying in bed in those white sheets. He imagined black ink leaking out from the cuts in his stomach and staining everything around him. He was careless, so careless. So wicked. So utterly _disgusting. _Screw leading the squad, he couldn't lead himself. He never should have been put in that position of authority, he should have been left where he belonged, on the streets with people who didn't know or care about him. Friendship was killing him. He didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve the way that Eren looked up to him or Petra had adored him or Erwin trusted him. If they saw who he was they would be sickened that they had put their trust in such a fool.

_Levi, you're worthless._

The thought crept in between his already morbid thoughts like water creeps through a cracked dam: slowly, but just enough to break it down if it goes untreated for long enough.

_Levi, doesn't death sound so delicious?_

He tried to shove these thoughts, push them, punch them, but they wouldn't leave. He hated it, he didn't want to be lured in, he was stronger than this. He had beat titans, survived battles, been called mankind's strongest soldier, but he couldn't deal with his own feelings.

The moon had almost entirely disappeared from the window and his eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness its absence had left. He could see the silhouette of the trees and stables against the deep blue and black of the midnight sky. _I wish I had been successful. _

This thought encompassed almost everything about him. _I wish I had been successful. At reaching the basement. At keeping my squad alive. At saving Petra. At capturing the female titan. At leading my men. At killing myself. _

The last thought scared him. He had wanted to kill himself. And he still did.

_Levi, you're already dead. Why don't you finish your body off? It won't hurt as much as you do now._

He could feel it, the vortex of self-hatred and self-indulgence pulling him towards his gun. He reached for it, the cool metal and smooth wood texture familiar to his hands. _It's so soft. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be dead. Soft. _He raised it to his mouth and held it close to his eyes, inspecting the barrel. It was already loaded, of course, he never left a gun unloaded.

Then another voice spoke, but it was really more like a rasp. _Levi, you still have things to do. _

What? You can't kill a titan by cutting its ankle off. Or it's fingers. Things to do? His thoughts were jumbling all together. Petra, Auroro, Eren, their names all sounded the same and if he were speaking them he imaged them rolling off of his tongue like identical clear marbles. He was losing it. Whether or not he should end his life was beside the point; he could decide on that later but he knew, the greatly diminished rational part of Levi knew that now was not the state to be making decisions in.

"I need to talk to someone," he said aloud. Hearing his own voice brought him a little closer to reality as he stumbled around his room looking for his boots. "There you are," he spoke to his boots while shoving himself into them. And once he had them on he walked towards the door, barely shutting it behind him as he made his way down the hall in a daze between life and death.

* * *

Somehow he ended up at Erwin's quarters. He knocked at the door timidly; a compromise between his feelings to break it down and run the other way. He waited, eyes to the floor that he could barely see and ears trained to the other side of the wooden barrier.

It was silent for several minutes before the door squeaked open. Levi stood dumbfounded that Erwin was actually awake at this hour. He hadn't realized how late it was until he was half way down the hall but decided it was worth a try to knock.

The commander, who was holding a steaming mug of tea, ushered him inside. The room was warm, a cheerful fire was licking away in the hearth and the oil lamp sconces were lit and making the room even cozier.

"I didn't take you as a night owl." Levi said blandly, not caring to cover up the defeat in his voice.

"People are full of surprises." Erwin as he sat down on a rustic cushioned chair. "Would you like some tea?" he asked, reaching for the kettle near the fire.

"Yeah, fine," Levi nodded, eyes cast to the floor.

The room was quiet save for the occasionally snap of the fire and the soft slurp of Erwin sipping his tea. The muffled chirps of the crickets in the fields had stopped long ago as it was now so late that Levi half expected to start hearing the birds wake up. Neither of them spoke as Levi looked uncomfortably out of the window, which was closed, and wondered how in the world he would explain what brought him here.

* * *

**A/N: So what do you guys think? Although I've only gotten a few reviews on this story it seems like those of you who so kindly took the time to write a response (thank you so much 3 ) are enjoying it so far. Let me know if there are ways that I can improve it, help keep Levi and Erwin and the others in character, any advice you have really. I hope you enjoy it enough to come back for more :) **


	6. The Young Man's Bargain

**A/N: Ok guys, this is the pivotal chapter for Levi. First off, I'm sorry that I haven't updated this faster; I've been working on this chapter since I last uploaded and I wanted to make sure it was as perfect as it could be before posting. I think I did a pretty good job. :D Secondly, I'll go ahead and give you fair warning again that this _is _a spiritual story and it comes in pretty obviously in this chapter, especially towards the end. If that's not your thing then here is your official heads up. :) Lastly, I hope you enjoy the new chapter! It's about double the length of the other ones so hopefully it will have been worth the wait.**

* * *

"This tea is bitter." Levi said, deciding that a complaint was the best way to break the silence.

"You like bitter tea."

"I didn't say I didn't like it," Levi said while crossing his legs and leaning back in the chair, "I just said it was bitter."

Erwin knew that when Levi said that he didn't 'dislike' something it was usually safe to guess that he found it pleasant. "I'm glad you enjoy it," he said before pausing to sip the steaming earl grey, "It comes from the capital. Cost quite a lot, a friend sent it to me as a gift."

"I didn't say I liked it." Levi grumbled but Erwin ignored him.

"I've begun to plan another expedition." The fire popped and the flames jumped, making the room jump the way Levi's heart did upon hearing Erwin's statement.

_I can't do this again._

"This time I intend to reach the basement. Our troops are still strong, albeit smaller…" he paused for a fraction of second, eyes shifting so slightly that only someone who knew him as well as Levi would notice, "and with Eren's help, I believe we will be able to succeed." Erwin always sounded a little stilted when he spoke and most of the time Levi could ignore the stuffy face he had to put on to the public, but tonight it really irked him. Here he was in the commander's office in the middle of the night, and Erwin was talking to him about tea and battle plans?

"Erwin. It's just me." Levi said while staring into his half full teacup.

The leather boots and maneuver gear Erwin still wore squeaked as he shifted in his seat. As late as it was, Levi wasn't at all surprised to see that he was still adorned in his uniform. The commander wasn't one for abandoning his role. For some reason he didn't find this part of Erwin to be stuffy, though. Loyalty and discipline were who he was no matter what he was doing.

Another curtain of silence fell between the two men, neither sure how to follow up Levi's statement. They knew each other too well to fiddle with scripted dialogue; they'd dropped those formalities years ago. It was this lack of formality that created an unreachable gap, one where familiarity stretched on one side and business on the other, but both were left grasping for that elusive thing in the middle. The grasping had never bothered Levi until now. Most of the time he didn't notice it but tonight it was so prominent that he could almost taste it, and that taste made him sick.

To Levi, the silence felt awkward. Had there been a clock in the room then he was certain his ears would have been trained on every tick, counting the seconds he failed to fill with vain words. But there wasn't a clock, so he used his heartbeat to judge.

_Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump._

It was rhythmic and calm. Steady, way too steady for how he was feeling. How could his heart plod along without a care in the world while his brain was so nuts?

_Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump._

Ten more seconds passed unbroken and the fire was beginning to mesmerize him. He wished he could get lost in it, he wished his thoughts could always see those calming yellowish-orange flames dancing before him.

_Dancing. I haven't danced in a while. I should hop to that._

The thought skidded through his mind like a dancer itself, in and out before he realized it.

His eyes began to water and he blinked furiously. He had been staring at the fire for too long and the heat that was soothing to the rest of his body was not soothing to his eyes. He swept his fingers beneath them gently to brush away the tears and thought how both exactly the same and entirely different these tears felt than the ones he had shed earlier.

"Hmm, maybe you weren't joking about the tea." Erwin said, finally breaking the silence. He sighed, but unlike Levi he didn't seem to feel the least bit uncomfortable.

"No, it's fine." Levi responded a little too quickly. He couldn't think of anything to talk about. _Why did I come here? _

"I'm not insulted. Not everyone likes high quality drinks." Erwin smiled and reached for some shortbread. His face was so serious all the time but somehow when he smiled it felt like it had always been there like the sun peeping through the clouds.

"I appreciate the joke," Levi said sarcastically, and suddenly realizing how hungry he was he picked up a piece of the shortbread. "Now this I can handle," he said while waving it around in one hand before taking a bite, "it doesn't make you constipated does it?"

"Only if you eat it while scowling."

"Hmph." He bit down on the buttery cookie and couldn't help but let his face relax. It really was good.

_Isn't he going to ask me why I'm here? I mean, this isn't exactly normal, walking into my commander's office and having tea and shortbread in the middle of the night. I guess I should say something…but how do I start? "Hey Erwin, I tried to kill myself earlier but Sasha's horse is as clumsy as she is and dumped a bucket of water on me." Or "I was feeling kind of down but then I started feeling better so I took a shower then went to sleep. Funny thing though, I woke up about half an hour ago and had my gun in my mouth before some shred of my previously intact rationality told me to come to you." _

Seconds bled into minutes and minutes into chest tightening anxiety as Levi began to feel the darkness take hold of him again.

Sucking in his breath then holding it, Levi finally let go. "I tried to kill myself earlier." He had moved his gaze from the fire to the floor. Only hopeless people stared into the fire while expressing death wishes. He could at least look like he was embarrassed about his act, which he was, by shifting his eyes to stare at his feet.

How was anyone supposed to respond to a statement like that? Potential reactions marched through his mind and all of them were unwanted. _"I'm sorry to hear that." "Do you need to talk to someone?" "Why?" "Are you depressed?" _Levi had heard all of these responses at one time or another, mostly when he was a kid and went around complaining about how miserable he was. Nothing changed though, they were always the same; empty, wanting to reach out, but not too far for fear that they would be pulled in. Unless you'd experienced it yourself there was really nothing for someone to say. It was a dead end statement, pun intended. He felt bad for putting Erwin in this position.

"What stopped you?"

Well, it was better than asking if he was depressed. "Sasha's horse."

"Did she talk to you?"

_Is he joking about this? _"Yes," he said dryly, "she kicked over a bucket over water on my legs and then asked me if I wanted to go swimming." He was beginning to think it would have been better if Erwin had said the stereotypical stuff.

Levi never ceased to be surprised by how the stars didn't stop twinkling and the sun didn't stop shining and fire never stopped burning no matter what kind of statement a person made or what kind of tragedy befell them. Just like the day they returned and the sun beat down and illuminated their deathly faces. _No matter how terrible things are, there will always be something beautiful to make you ashamed for wanting to die._

"It will pass." Erwin said, this time a lot more solemnly.

Taking another bite of shortbread, Levi uncrossed his legs and nonchalantly toyed with his cravat. "It passed," he said flatly, "and then it came back again."

Erwin nodded and poured himself more tea. "Would you like some more?" he asked, leaning forward with the pot to pour into Levi's mostly empty cup.

"Sure why not."

More silence. At this point Levi had gotten used to it, or maybe he was just too tired to care. Either way, he wasn't hurrying to break it.

"Hmm…" Erwin thought out loud as he pushed himself up from his seat by the edge of the table. Levi watched him as he walked past the fire and to one of his bookshelves, the light from the flames making his leather boots and maneuver gear look almost golden. The books were all leather bound and, judging by the titles, Levi had no doubt that some of them were banned.

"Hmm…I can't seem to find it…" Erwin said mostly to himself and partially to Levi, "I think Hanji is borrowing it. She wanted to look into the historical notes…" he trailed off and took one last look before returning to his seat. "Well, I can tell you about it anyway. I know the story by heart."

_I know the story by heart? _Levi was a surprised to hear him make a statement that was so personal and sentimental.

"I'm interested to hear why a powerhouse like you would say something that sappy," Levi said as he folded his arms behind his head and rocked back in his chair, "let's hear it."

"Once there was a man," Erwin started almost immediately after Levi's statement, appearing not to have been waiting for his consent, "who wanted to enter a kingdom of eternity. He was a very rich man, who had horses and cattle and land and—"

"And tea." Levi smirked.

"And tea." Erwin said with a gentle smile, continuing on, "But he was intelligent and knew that his wealth wouldn't last forever. The earth passes away, after all, and people die. So he went on a quest to find the one man that he believed would grant him his wish.

After hearing that the man was in a nearby town, the rich man walked to the place he was told the man was staying in."

Levi cut in again. "What kind of idiot walks when he's rich enough to have horses and cattle and stuff." He continued tipping back in his chair while glibly closing his eyes, "I bet he had 3-D maneuver gear too."

"Levi, I'd prefer if you didn't insist on interrupting."

* * *

Erwin waited a few seconds to make sure that Levi was finished criticizing the story before he began again. "The rich man enjoyed walking. Sometimes he got tired of traveling by horseback or carriage; he liked to feel like a normal man every once in a while.

After walking a couple of miles, the rich man arrived at the town. It was a small, modest town, not one he would expect such a powerful man as the one he was trying to contact to be staying in. Nevertheless, he walked to the inn and asked for the man. The innkeeper smiled and pointed him to the lobby where a tall and handsome young man sat reading a book. The rich man hadn't expected the man to be so young, and now even more curious, quickly walked over to him. "Can I help you?" the young man asked before the other had had the chance to speak. "Oh, yes, actually," the rich man stuttered, not expecting to be confronted so quickly, "I'm looking for a ticket to the blissful afterlife. I've heard from many people that you know the way to get it and I'm hoping that you can direct me there, too." The rich man's voice grew quieter on the last sentence for he felt embarrassed about being so outright with his request.

"Have you been a good man?" "Yes, I have been a good man," the rich man replied, stumbling to answer the question as quickly as possible, "I haven't stolen, I pay my taxes, I never lie, I love my wife, I feed my animals well, and I was on good terms with my parents before they passed away."

Before the rich man could think of anything else to add, the young man interrupted him. "Well, I'm glad to hear that you have been a good man. Many are not as pure as you." The rich man smiled at hearing this, sure that he would receive the ticket to the blissful afterlife. "But I'm afraid you haven't done enough to follow me into eternity." The young man finished and the rich man's face fell.

"What then must I do to gain the ticket? Surely there is something I can give you to make it an even deal. I am very rich and have plenty of possessions and money to spare, and I can give you more than enough to ensure that you have a comfortable life here."

The young man smiled a sad smile and shook his head. "I do not need any of your possessions or money. I am fully satisfied in my life here. However, there is a way for you to join me in heaven."

The rich man's face lit up at hearing this declaration and prepared to receive his wish, for he was confident he could fulfill whatever the young man asked. "I ask that you sell all of your horses, cattle and land, give all the profit to the poor and donate the rest to charity, leave your wife and keep only the clothes on your back. Then you must follow me for the rest of your life on earth and I will grant you with an eternal, blissful afterlife."

The young man was taken aback by this radical proposition and began to stutter, fearing that he wouldn't be able to have his wish granted. "I…I can't do that. That would be ludicrous, foolish!" The more he thought about it, the more insulted he was by the young man. "If I left my wife, then I would be a bad person. If I sold my animals, they most likely would not be fed or cared for as well as I care for them. If I gave away all of my money then I wouldn't be able to eat and would starve to death! How could you ask me to do such a thing? Plus, I don't even know if you have the power to grant me eternal happiness. You are taking advantage of me because you want me to give all of my money to you." The rich man was getter madder by the minute.

"That is the only way." The young man said and returned to reading his book.

"Well, I can't do that. You took advantage of my willingness and made a fool of me. If even I can't gain a blissful afterlife, then this ticket that you claim to give away is all fraud! You don't deserve the respect you get from others. I'm going home." The rich man turned his back and stormed out of the inn and caught a buggy home. However, the whole time he was in the carriage he couldn't stop thinking about the young man. His anger began to melt into sadness as he wondered whether the young man really did have the ticket to eternal bliss and maybe it was only the rich man's stubbornness that had kept him from receiving it. When he arrived home he kissed his wife and brushed his horses and was thankful to be back at his estate. But not a day passed that the rich man didn't think about the young man's proposal and wish that he had been brave enough to take it."

* * *

The room wasn't quiet for more than two seconds when Levi spoke. "That's a depressing story."

"I know," Erwin said as he scooted his chair closer to the fire. The room was getting chilly as the cold air of the dawn began to creep in.

Levi followed suit and moved his chair closer to the fire as well. "Don't make me ask you pointless questions about what it means," he said almost bitterly, "Tell me."

Erwin knew that Levi hated being in the position of having to rely on others to understand something. He'd been this way since Erwin had first met him; demanding and defensive when he was faced with a problem he didn't know how to confront. This had made it difficult to teach Levi anything new since he was convinced he already knew everything worth knowing. Erwin had learned to work with this, though, and through careful and perceptive maneuvering he had learned how to use Levi's stubbornness to both of their advantages.

"Of course not. It means you can't be rich and have eternal bliss."

"Oh come on, it's got to mean more than that," Levi said as he leaned his elbows down on his legs and propped his chin in his hands, "Eren could figure that out, it point blank says that."

The commander didn't say a word and instead stared into the dying fire.

"It probably means something like the eternal afterlife was a hoax all along." Levi spoke up again, letting that statement hang between them for a few moments. "Obviously his good deeds didn't mean crap to the young man. He'd already done all that stuff and it apparently still wasn't good enough. Starving and misery is the way to happiness? I don't think so."

Erwin turned around to look at the table. "Can you hand me the pack of shortbread?"

"I ate it all."

"Hmph," Erwin turned back around to face the fire, smiling.

The two men stared into it, watching the logs be eaten away slowly from the inside out. The embers were shifting more now and the last knobby bits of wood glowed a pulsating orange, signaling that the previously large fire would soon be ashes. _Nothing but ashes. _It was hypnotizing, the way the few remaining flames jumped around the cedar chips like they were afraid to settle down anywhere for too long. Levi wondered what it meant, why he was here, why he'd just spent an hour with Erwin and listened to some strange story with a moral that was way too obvious to be anything more than a morose bedtime story.

"The guy seems like a self-pitying bastard for feeling bad that he didn't take the deal. I wouldn't take it either." He crouched closer to the fire. "The blissful heaven thing, whatever it was, was probably a symbol of wanting something that's impossible to get. That's why it's such a depressing story."

"Are you sure that is what makes it depressing?"

"Tch, what else would it be?" Levi scoffed, "the fact that someone was lame enough to write something like that?"

Erwin leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his weathered face. "Well, I know what I take from the story, obviously, since I told it." He paused to see if Levi would say anything but he didn't so he continued. "It's easy to say that the young man was pulling the rich man's leg, that he was making a fool of him. But what if the young man was right? What if he knew the way to eternal bliss, and what if the only way of getting it was through giving up everything a person owns?"

"No one can do that. It's stupid." Levi said, the second statement clearly aimed at the story.

"You're right."

Levi scuffed his boots against the floor. "What is the point of this, Erwin. Is this going anywhere at all or are you just bored?" He knew that Erwin had trouble sleeping sometimes but he never expected the commander to be so reluctant to at least try to sleep. Or maybe the night was the only time he could get away from everything else.

Suddenly Erwin was looking straight at him, blue eyes locked with grey. "Levi, this story is from some manuscripts that saved my life. It's from the only thing that keeps my feet moving and my heart beating."

He had suspected this. "Don't tell me this is something religious. I really hope you're not going to credit your skills to God." He didn't want to believe it, he didn't want to believe that the one man he held in high esteem fell for such a childish ploy. People had been making God their reason to live since the walls fell and apparently before. At least, that's what the manuscripts said.

"It is and I am," Erwin said unapologetically without breaking eye contact.

For the first time that night Levi stood up and walked around. He stepped carefully, eyeing each floorboard like he was tiptoeing through an invisible pit of snakes, while making his way to the window. After a few minutes of standing in front of it, elbows leaning on the rough sill, he spoke. "Alright," he said, his voice almost sounding hoarse, "let's get it over with."

Erwin shifted in his chair to look at him. "What?" he questioned softly.

Levi turned around, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Make God save me. Whatever he's supposed to do. Pray for me. Do something to make it stop."

The sky was beginning to lighten at the horizon to a pale bluish-purple and the birds were waking up, their first chirps hurtling through the chilly morning air. The grass was just becoming visible, the silvery coat of dew almost making it look like mercury. The horses snorted and stamped lazily in their hay bedded stalls, the scent of morning waking them from their sleep. And for some reason, when the sun began to peak above the grassy hills, it made the sound of the night breeze a little less unsettling. It was on that very early morning that Levi prayed with Erwin, tears pouring down his cheeks and dripping shamelessly from his chin, eyes squeezed shut and daring to hope that Erwin was right.

* * *

**A/N: I also want to say thank you so much for the reviews, they are so encouraging to read. I get really discouraged with my writing from time to time and feel like it's total crap so it's very nice to read your lovely responses to this story. Thanks for keeping me posted on how I'm doing, and if you haven't reviewed yet I'd love to hear what you think.**

**P.S. This chapter passed the ten thousand word mark so I'm readjusting my estimated final word count to be around 15,000. Once again, subject to change, but I think that should just about do it.**


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